Are you my Health Coach or Parole Officer?

Friday, August 22, 2014
The fact that you can get a dance fitness, ministry ordainment, life coach and dog psychiatry certificate overnight, is interesting. No shade (but, shade), Sparky deserves so much better. I've grown quite numb, rarely perking up when someone tells me they are certified in (name specification offered by a fly-by-night and/or overpriced MLM company - that doesn't even fit their outward lifestyle, whatsoever). 

I do not wish to spend money on advice and up sold 3rd and 4th-party products - from someone whose car is always in the shop and lives with 6 roommates. Not discounting all who chose this education and counseling route, or tout reputable givers of certificates - but if you have 6 roommates... I am talking about you.

Needless to say, I never saw myself becoming anybody's coaching "client," ever. Until... last week.

Now, before you call me a hypocrite - I must elaborate... it was basically court work-ordered! After the passing of the PPACA (Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act), our terms of private insurance got extremely stringent. My company - a Fortune 100 - is not playing any games. If you or your spouse is enrolled in the insurance plans provided, you all must take a health assessment. Depending where you rate, you may have to work with an outsourced health coach. Otherwise, you will be subject to hundreds more in annual premiums. They remind us that it is not mandatory - but, your girl ain't payin' the five.

After undergoing routine blood work and a standard physical - I was given the non-BREAKING news; I am overweight. If your assessment comes back with any triggers - you are put on a list. A list of people who must comply with demands - if you ever want to see your beloved, low premiums, again! And by demands, cue health coach.

Thursday, 5:31 PM EST: Call from unknown # (don't answer, leave a message.)

Thursday, 6:31 PM EST: Call from same, unknown # (reverse look up, I know who this is! Ignore.)

Thursday, 7:01 PM EST: Call from same, unknown, non-bill collecting # (so why are you jocking me #? I answer.)
Me: Hello? (If I keep it short, they have to follow suit, right?)
PO: Hi, is this Paula?
Me: Yes. (short, keep it short)
PO: I'm ***, and I represent ***. I am a registered dietitian and personal trainer. I received your contact information to talk to you about how we can help you reach your wellness goals.
Me: (I am missing Family Feud. But, her credentials seem promising. TV muted.)
Me: Okay.
PO: Well, our records indicate (rehashes all of the red flags, and red pen marks that my assessment reveals). Would you mind giving me a quick rundown of your average day? How long do you sleep? When do you eat breakfast, do you eat breakfast? What's for lunch and dinner? Do you participate in physical activities? Etc., etc..
Me: Umm. (reluctantly shares, mentioned something about a salad - one day this week)
PO: (no immediate response) I'm sorry, I was eating a grape.
Me: (no response)
PO: Well... (begins to critique everything that I shared. I was impressed, she got points for being a great listener.)
Me: Duly noted.
PO: I'm going to send you a diet and fitness plan, that may help you get started.
Me: Awesome. (my defenses are lowered, slightly.)
PO: Let's make this a date. How about we chat once a week?
Me: Sounds great. (you know that I do not have a choice!) Thank you.
Following Thursday, 5:31 PM EST (answered on first ring.)
PO: Heeeeyyy, Paula!
Me: (this is happening. just, let it happen.)


  1. OMG!!!! You are hilarious! My firm always had the assessment piece, but that's all they required, them finding out where you stand. No strings attached. But 2016 it's all being flipped, they warn us. I'll be tuning in for more tales about this, if I don't get my life together by 2016 that same chick might be calling me!!!!!!! LOLOLOL!

  2. This is pretty funny. I missed your blogs! Well, firstly, I have a health coach through my job and she's really amazing. I had to let my guard down and it took some time, but every Wednesday, we're catching up like fit-minded besties. Glad you're letting it happen and giving it a chance, though!